The Finding Peace Infertility group has just wrapped up it's first rotation. It was incredible. A group of five women who didn't know one another at the beginning of the 6 weeks formed honest, genuine, vulnerable relationships with one another. The group members shared their intimate thoughts, feelings of intense loss and were met with support and open arms. 

Throughout the group participants journaled, used art therapy to create a visual representation of how infertility feels, their goals and accomplishments, and most importantly,  found a space where they didn't feel alone.  (Current group info here.)

One of the journaling assignments was related to how infertility affects the relationship with ones spouse. I requested that the group write a letter to their spouse about how infertility has impacted them.  And, one participant blew us away, a wicked smart women full of love and compassion shared her letter, and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. So, in honor of Infertility Awareness Week, and with her permission, I'd love to share her letter with you. Maybe you can relate. 

A letter to my husband, 
Infertility has beat me up. It has drawn blood and left me battered and bruised. 

When I was younger I had a plan that I was going to be married and starting a family by 23. It was always something that I wanted but never happened, and you know I'd never settle. 

When I married you at 30 I thought it was finally my turn. You know I wanted kids right away, but I had to wait- we needed to finish law school, then we needed to move, take the bar, get jobs, get better jobs. By the time we said "fuck it" and gave up trying to be ready, I thought again, this is finally it. Month after month, year after year, disappointment set in. After the miscarriage in December, it happened. I lost hope. I am defeated, broken, sad. 

I know you must feel something too, but when you try to comfort me by agreeing that infertility sucks or that you know how I feel- I am surprised. I feel as if I am telling a friend my woes and I expect sympathy, but not understanding. I often times forget you are on this journey with me. I don't know if that is because you don't often share your feelings on the subject because I am so consumed with mine, or that I don't listen. 

I want to though, I want to listen to you and be excited about the future with you. I want us to be the "Spokane us." We were broke, unemployed, childless, and without a clue to what we would do next, but we were happy, and in love, and excited about possibilities. 

I think more than anything I want, I need, action. I am so sick of saying everything and doing nothing. Let's do our frozen transfer, let's adopt, let's move, let's change careers or take the bar again. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to live the very precious lives we've been given. Life is so short and I don't want to spend it waiting. I want to LIVE IT with you. I want to TRY with you. I love you. 

--

Infertility is complex; not just the medical side of treating infertility, but the emotional side of treating it. Essentially, infertility, whether it's the inability to conceive, frequent miscarriages or otherwise, is loss.

Many couples are surprised by the intensity of their feelings related to infertility. Perhaps this is because grief related to infertility is disenfranchised grief, or grief that is not acknowledged by society.

For example, the loss of a pet, loss of a home and loss of a family member by suicide are all forms of disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is often unaccompanied by cultural standards for how to provide support.

We know what to do when a loved one passes away, we know what to do when someone is sick, but the loss related to infertility is more obtuse and complex. Most of us don’t know how to support someone experiencing it. This can make friends and family feel helpless or anxious; and rather than attempting to provide support we may avoid the subject.

In my work with couples experiencing infertility, a few themes have risen to the top in helping them cope:

Acknowledge the loss
Just as society as a whole doesn’t acknowledge infertility grief, both women and men struggle individually to acknowledge that their feelings of sadness and loss are legitimate. Infertility takes away one's ability to plan how or when their family is built — a loss of control over one's body. Sometimes it's the loss of a genetic link to our children, or the loss of the experience of pregnancy.

Loss manifests as irritability, sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety and many other emotions. When couples acknowledge that they are experiencing a crisis in their relationship, or a disconnect in how they envisioned their life together, they can begin to understand their feelings and cope with them in healthy ways.

Acknowledge loss, then start again
Unfortunately, infertility is a long cycle of hope and loss — hope in a late period, hope in a medical procedure, hope in an adoption match. Just as there is hope in the events, there is also loss. These events typically follow in lock-step, and often couples don’t have the time or emotional energy to grieve one before another hits.

Although the experience of loss is highly individual, research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlines stages of grief. Many experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It’s more common for us to experience these emotions in a non-linear way. One day we may feel some acceptance, the next, back to anger and bargaining. Rather than chastising ourselves for feeling angry, accept that at this time, it’s useful to feel the emotion rather than fight it off.

Create space
By creating space, I mean creating emotional space. Give yourself space, time and acceptance to feel your feelings. Grief isn’t a race; there’s no finish line. There isn’t a right way or wrong way to work through it. Rather than placing rules and expectations on how you should feel, or for how long, allow yourself the space to grieve.

This piece can’t be underestimated. Just as you allow for your own grieving, do the same for your partner. Acknowledge that he might not grieve the same way you do. He might not cry or talk about it like you want to. She might not cry, rather preferring to look forward and be optimistic.

Some find it useful to create a ritual or tangible event to mark the loss. Others use their creative side to sculpt, paint or create something that is a visual manifestation of their feelings.

Seek support
Identify the friends and family who understand the intensity of your emotions. If you sense they don’t know how to support you, give them some suggestions. Reach out to others experiencing infertility throughsupport groups or online forums.

Feeling understood and supported is paramount to coping. Infertility can be isolating, being in contact with those who “just get it” cuts down on the need for you to explain your feelings or provide background. Find a group of women or men who understand the loss associated with infertility who can accompany you on the road towards healing.

Welcome! Don't want to take the time and cognitive skill to read Debunking Adoption Myths? (Me neither!) Now you've got the option to put me in your ears! 

I was invited to speak with Kelly Ellison on her podcast, Your adoption Coach, to discuss the myths of adoption. 

Join a small group of women in discussion about the impact of infertility. Open to women on any part of the fertility journey including, fertility treatment or third-party reproduction and those moving towards adoption. Led by Whitney Barrell, LCSW therapist, with both personal and clinical expertise in infertility counseling. 

• Making difficult treatment decisions on a path to parenthood
• Conflict with your partner

• Processing the grief and loss of infertility
• Maintaining relationships with friends and family who may not understand infertility
  
• How to cope in a world where everyone seems to be pregnant

When: Wednesdays March 18th-April 22nd 2015 (6 week group) 8:00-9:00 pm

Where: Whitney Barrell’s Office

1308s. 1700e. #209 SLC, Utah 84108

Why: Because it feels good to be in a group of women who “get” what you are dealing with.

Investment: $120


***Feel free to call with questions about the group, or to see if it would be a good fit for you. 

Last year you were sitting in the same spot in your home, looking at your tree and thinking to yourself, maybe next year I’ll be sitting here holding a baby. But, then the year goes by and it’s Christmas again and your arms are heavy with the sadness that only infertility can bring.

The holidays are child-centric. Thanksgiving, Hanukkah and Christmas engender images of rosy-cheeked children with their families. Because of this, it can be a difficult time for those of us trying to conceive. It can feel lonely. It can feel sad and isolating, in particular when there is an unsaid expectation that this is “the most wonderful time of the year.”

The questions you know they’ll ask
Holidays can be tricky with family members. Infertility is rarely understood by those who don’t experience it. Everyone has a version of great-aunt Sue who always asks “when are you going to give your parents some grandchildren?”

If you haven’t discussed your infertility with family members you are bound to get some of these questions. This doesn’t mean that you are required to let your family know the details of every last test you’ve undergone. But, it is useful to have a response ready such as “that’s something were looking forward to in the future” or “it’s not as easy for everyone to get pregnant as you may think. We are working on building our family with the help of a reproductive endocrinologist.”

Likewise, you aren’t required to share information with family members if you aren’t comfortable, discussing with your partner what you’d like to share and with whom may be helpful.

New traditions, and opting out of old ones
You may consider getting out of town or doing something alone with just your partner. If it’s painful to go to your sister's house and watch your nieces and nephews open presents, don’t do it. You could suggest just arriving for brunch or dinner. Before the event occurs picture yourself at the family party and feel it out: Does it feel forced? Are you holding back tears? Give yourself the gift of permission and self-acceptance this year. If it’s painful to try to carry on like nothing is wrong, don’t do it.

Gratitude and service
Remember the reason for the season. Although cliche, it does change our perspectives when we are able to provide service or time to someone who needs it.

Infertility is all-encompassing and it’s easy to feel enveloped in grief. Consider spending some time with an aged relative or volunteering in your community. Not only will it help others, but it will also provide you with the realization that although you are struggling to build your family, you have a house over your head, food and access to health care.

If you are passionate about infertility and have an interest in advocacy, Resolve, a national infertility organization, is often seeking volunteers.

Give yourself a break, you are grieving
This one is most important. All of the clients I see need to be reminded that perhaps they don’t feel as happy as they used to or don’t have that sparkle in their eyes because they are grieving.

Infertility isn’t seen, you can’t point to a broken arm and say “this is why I’m upset,” but it’s there. You are grieving the loss of a dream. You are grieving the idea that your life would be a certain way.

Many of my clients say that they always imaged themselves a parents and with infertility it’s out of your control. No matter how hard you work at it, how much you want it, those things don’t calculate like they might when you’ve worked toward other goals. This is frustrating and makes us feel helpless and beaten down.

Now is the time to practice good self-care, to be aware that you might not have the emotional strength to hold it together like you normally can. That’s OK, that’s honest. Be kind to yourself.

Lastly, the holidays will eventually come to an end. The best thing you can do is be prepared, know what your limits are and set a calendar in place that honors where you are emotionally this year. And somehow, hold onto hope for next. 

A comprehensive list of support groups, therapists, resources and fundraising options for those experiencing infertility. All complied by Utah Fertility Center. 


SupportGroups
Peer-led Support Groups offer informal opportunities for women and men experiencing infertility to connect with one another, to discuss their situations and to receive support from others who have had similar experiences or who are struggling with similar issues. Group moderators are volunteers and are not mental health professionals. Attendance is free. Please contact the group host before attending your first meeting.

Hill Air Force Base -General Infertility Support Group*
Host: Rachel Thompson – [email protected] *Open to anyone with base access
Logan -Childfree Support Group
Location: Logan, UT
Host: Sylvia- [email protected]

Provo/Orem
General Infertility Support Group
Host: Kassandra [email protected] before attending your first meeting.
For more information about RESOLVE Support Groups, please contact Betsy Campbell at [email protected].

In an effort to help raise awareness, to encourage discussion, and to provide an opportunity to share tangible ways to deal with infertility, ldsinfertility.org sponsors small support groups.

• These support groups are offered at no charge to women who would like to attend (in the future, we may open support groups just for men).
• The support groups are casual in nature, so feel free to dress casually.
• Usually, a support group will last no longer than 1 1/2 hours, but will be based on the needs of the group.

Cedar City, Utah
Contact: Dawn-Marie, [email protected], 435-590-9491, ldsinfertility.blogspot.com

Lehi, Utah
Contact: Misti Sudweeks at [email protected]

Ogden, Utah–(Support Group not run directly through LDSinfertility.org)
http://www.conceivablehope.com


Orem, Utah
Contact: Kelsey Redd, [email protected] or 360-536-5710

Salt Lake City, Utah
Contact: Camille Hawkins, [email protected], 801-971-5358

RESOURCES

Utah Infertility Awareness, Seeds of Hope, is a non-profit (501c3) group of community advocates trying to raise awareness of couples affected by infertility. Our goal is to share hope, insight, and seek resolution. Additionally, we would like to offer support and encouragement. For upcoming events [email protected]

Footsteps for Fertility Foundation was founded to raise infertility awareness, provide grants for fertility treatments, and organize fundraising events. Footsteps for Fertility Foundation organizes 5 Kilometer races that will be held annually with the goal of promoting infertility awareness and educating couples about how to get grants and affordable treatment options for in vitro fertilization, frozen embryo transfers and intrauterine insemination.
footstepsforfertility.org

Pound the Pavement for Parenthood is a non-profit organization established in 2010. We are a group of dedicated men and women committed to helping the cause of infertility. We bring awareness to the struggle and help raise precious funds for those ready to start expensive processes including adoption and In-Vitro Fertilization. We are a unique organization focused on people. We are in this only to help other people find hope, healing, and happiness while realizing their dream of becoming parents. Our goals include raising money, but our focus is raising awareness and support for those who struggle with infertility.

We feel lucky to be a part of the infertility community and hope that you can find friends and comfort knowing that you are not alone in this and that there is a network of people who know the struggle and who are here to help you through it.
www.poundthepavementforparenthood.com

INFERTILITY COUNSELING AND THIRD PARTY COUNSELING

The Healing Group- “Offering Hope, Growth and Healing through Therapy and Education.”
[email protected];
www.thehealinggroup.com
801-461-9060

Wasatch Family Therapy-Marriage and Infertility Counseling
Marriage therapy or couples counseling is designed to help you work through relationship or communication problems and create emotional closeness.http://www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com/about-us
(801) 944-4555

Whitney Barrell Counseling
If you’ve experienced infertility for any length of time, you’ve likely felt a loss of control, anger, confusion and perhaps the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have both personal and clinical experience with infertility and it’s emotional implications. Together, we can make difficult decisions about treatment options, provide a safe space to work through the changes in your relationships that have been impacted by infertility. And, most importantly honor and explore the grief and loss of not having things go the way you expected.
Whitney Barrell, LCSW
684 e Vine Street
Murray, Utah 84107
801.502.5644 : www.whitneybarrellcounseling.com

Laura Czajkowski, PhD
U of U hospital
University Neuropsychiatric Institute
Phone: 801-583-2500

Marilyn Snell, PhD
Counseling Center
Phone: 801-501-8444

Brandon Yabko, PhD
Center For Human Potential
Phone 801-483-2447

HELPFULLINKS
www.sart.com Society of Assisted Reproductive Technology
www.asrm.com American Society of Reproductive Medicine
www.theafa.org The American Fertility Association
www.fertilehope.org Fertile Hope for Woman
www.integramed.com Specialty Health Services
www.attainfertility.com Infertility Education Support and Information
www.fertilitylifelines.com Making treatment affordable

One of the best parts of life is traveling through it with friends. You may attend school together, start your first jobs at the same time, then transition into adulthood, which may mean marriage and children. Infertility is often a divergent path for some friendships, but it doesn't have to be.

Many women who are experiencing infertility watch as their friends become pregnant and experience childbirth. An event that is life-changing is now a topic of conversation that may become “sticky” among friendships.

Just like most personal events, it’s difficult to understand infertility if you haven’t lived it. People understand things like cancer better. Interestingly, studies completed by Dr. Alice Domar suggest those experiencing infertility have the same levels of stress as those recently diagnosed with cancer. Regardless, the pain of infertility is largely misunderstood and at times not taken seriously. Those experiencing infertility often hear “don’t worry it will happen, maybe if you just relax.” Being relaxed has no correlation with conception.

Here are a few things to think about if someone you care about is experiencing infertility.

Don't minimize. Infertility is the death of a dream. Many couples imagine and plan for their family well in advance. When it starts to become clear that this may not be a reality, they feel a loss of control, disappointment in one's body, and anger.Reproduction is often viewed as a basic human task, not being able to do what, on a most basic level, our bodies are “meant” to do, can be quite devastating. Many of us ascribe to the idea that if we work hard for something we will achieve it; infertility flies in the face of this concept. In particular, during "child-bearing years," couples may feel they have jumped through the hoops of education, employment and financial stability only to find that a family (created in the traditional way) isn't easily attainable. Your friends are facing a loss of something they always thought would be there. It can't be underestimated.

Rely on other friends or family to discuss your pregnancy. If you are expecting and an infertile friend is not, share your joys and complaints with other friends or family. Although it is sad you aren't able to share such a rite of passage with a friend, you'll save your friendship if you rely on other parts of your support network during this time. For someone trying to conceive, the birth of a child may too much to talk about and be reminded of. They won't feel this way forever, just honor the time that they do.

Show them you care. Do what you would do if someone had a newly diagnosed condition, which could mean casseroles, cards, flowers, long lunches with a listening ear. This isn't anything different. Let them know that you want to be supportive. Ask them, “Do you want me to ask about how things are going, or wait until you share it?” Some feel that infertility is a private matter, others seek support.

Lastly, if you or a loved one is experiencing infertility, Resolve, a national infertility association, can be an excellent resource. Find information about family-building, the emotions of infertility and information on peer-lead support groups. Go to resolve.org, and hang in there.

P.S. When this article was first published on KSL, some women that commented noted that they did want to be informed of and involved in a friends pregnancy. Obviously this varies from person to person. If you are dealing with infertility and you know a friend is trying to conceive, you may consider having a conversation about how you would like to be informed of her pregnancy. Do you want to be alone, or by phone. It's a good idea to know your limits and pregnancy announcements are often very difficult to hear when you are trying to conceive, protect your heart and do what will work for you.