A letter to my husband...

The Finding Peace Infertility group has just wrapped up it's first rotation. It was incredible. A group of five women who didn't know one another at the beginning of the 6 weeks formed honest, genuine, vulnerable relationships with one another. The group members shared their intimate thoughts, feelings of intense loss and were met with support and open arms. 

Throughout the group participants journaled, used art therapy to create a visual representation of how infertility feels, their goals and accomplishments, and most importantly,  found a space where they didn't feel alone.  (Current group info here.)

One of the journaling assignments was related to how infertility affects the relationship with ones spouse. I requested that the group write a letter to their spouse about how infertility has impacted them.  And, one participant blew us away, a wicked smart women full of love and compassion shared her letter, and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. So, in honor of Infertility Awareness Week, and with her permission, I'd love to share her letter with you. Maybe you can relate. 

A letter to my husband, 
Infertility has beat me up. It has drawn blood and left me battered and bruised. 

When I was younger I had a plan that I was going to be married and starting a family by 23. It was always something that I wanted but never happened, and you know I'd never settle. 

When I married you at 30 I thought it was finally my turn. You know I wanted kids right away, but I had to wait- we needed to finish law school, then we needed to move, take the bar, get jobs, get better jobs. By the time we said "fuck it" and gave up trying to be ready, I thought again, this is finally it. Month after month, year after year, disappointment set in. After the miscarriage in December, it happened. I lost hope. I am defeated, broken, sad. 

I know you must feel something too, but when you try to comfort me by agreeing that infertility sucks or that you know how I feel- I am surprised. I feel as if I am telling a friend my woes and I expect sympathy, but not understanding. I often times forget you are on this journey with me. I don't know if that is because you don't often share your feelings on the subject because I am so consumed with mine, or that I don't listen. 

I want to though, I want to listen to you and be excited about the future with you. I want us to be the "Spokane us." We were broke, unemployed, childless, and without a clue to what we would do next, but we were happy, and in love, and excited about possibilities. 

I think more than anything I want, I need, action. I am so sick of saying everything and doing nothing. Let's do our frozen transfer, let's adopt, let's move, let's change careers or take the bar again. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to live the very precious lives we've been given. Life is so short and I don't want to spend it waiting. I want to LIVE IT with you. I want to TRY with you. I love you. 

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