Hello!
If you've been to our office you've likely contributed to our collaborative lobby art. Here are a few highlights from this round: How do you cope (both healthy and unhealthy): - Eating chocolate - Volleyball - Punching my brother - Singing, acting and dancing - Cleaning - Journal - Blasting music - Talking - Playing soccer (x10) - Being with friends - Cutting - Going outside and throwing rocks - Writing stories about bears - Video games (x10) - Drawing What song helps you feel your feelings? - Good for you by Olivia Rodrigo - If we have each each other. - Pink Pony Club by Chapell Roan - Florida by Taylor Swift - Compass by Lady A - Clair de Lune Share a favorite quote: - "Seize the day, make your lives extraordinare. " - "If it were easy, everyone would do it." - "I love you" -mom - "Be your own best friend." - "Bloom where you're planted." - "Embrace the change." - "Never give up." - "What does this button do?" - "Be the change you want to be in the world."
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Infertility, Adoption & Grief
Years ago, I sat across the desk from a urologist at the University of Utah. As I listened to the doctor review my husband’s test results, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach: due to his chemotherapy, we had less than a 1% chance of ever conceiving on our own. The doctor compassionately offered to schedule an IVF consultation, but we declined. We had already decided if we couldn’t get pregnant we would “just adopt.” In the days and weeks that followed, I was perplexed by my own emotions. I felt depressed and angry, but why? I grew up in a very adoption-positive environment (a few of my closest friends were adopted) and was taught that adopting a child was “no different” than giving birth to one of “your own.” I shoved those feelings aside and was soon filling out paperwork at an adoption agency. I didn’t know it at the time, but I didn’t actually want to adopt. I was trying to use adoption as a fertility treatment. How do you use adoption as a fertility treatment? You see, I was hoping we could be like the couples in those stories you hear from your well-meaning aunt: the ones who tried to get pregnant for years and, when they decided to adopt, got pregnant! Doesn’t God have a sense of humor? I was doing my part in this exchange with the universe- tempting fate by attending adoption education classes, completing background checks, creating a profile to show to expectant parents…but my heart was never in it. With every month that I didn’t get pregnant, I felt more and more like adopting was some kind of consolation prize. When I pictured my future, I didn’t actually see myself with an adopted child, I saw myself with a child of “my own.” Learning my history, it may surprise you to learn that I did end up adopting a child- and he is no consolation prize. After four years of half-heartedly exploring every family building option under the sun, I welcomed a five pound baby boy into my heart and home. I was over the moon and completely in love with this tiny little human. Ten years later, I’m still wrapped around his little finger. Going from viewing adoption as second-best to the best thing that ever happened to me required me to do something that surprised me: grieve. What does grief have to do with adoption? Grief is a confusing concept for a lot of people. We traditionally associate grief with death, which is why suggesting that grieving has anything to do with adopting can seem strange - no one has died. Grief expert David Kessler says this about grief: “When people say to me, “What is grief?” I’ll say, “it’s the death of something. It’s the death of a loved one, it’s the death of a marriage - it’s called a divorce. It’s the death of a relationship - it's called a breakup. A job loss is the loss of that work world you had.” Grief isn’t just about death; it’s about loss. For the majority of people who choose to adopt, that choice was preceded by the loss of - the death of - the way they imagined their family would grow. Many of us expect that our lives will follow the formula of “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage.” Infertility interrupts the flow of this dream. Adoption is not a cure for infertility After that fateful day with the urologist, I came home and checked out an adoption agency’s website in hopes of finding some comfort. I poured over every sentence, trying to grasp what was ahead of me. On their website was a list of discussion items to help determine if you are ready to adopt. This question crushed me: "Do you understand that adoption will not cure the pain of infertility?" I took that question to mean: "Do you understand that there is NO cure to infertility? Do you understand that even if you do adopt, you're still going to feel this soul crushing pain? Do you understand that the only way you'll be happy is to get pregnant?" Now, many years later, I understand this question was getting at something different. Adoption does not cure infertility, but it does cure childlessness. Infertility is the inability to conceive and bear children. Childlessness is the state of not having a child. Adopting a child will not suddenly change a couple’s ability to conceive or carry a pregnancy to term. While adoption does give you the opportunity to be a parent, it does not give you the physical and emotional experiences of pregnancy, a genetic link that connects past and future generations, the conception of a child with your life partner, or a baby that has mommy’s eyes and daddy’s nose. Does that mean you’ll never be satisfied with anything else? Not necessarily. That’s where grief comes in. One of the funny little realities of life is that there is always loss in choosing. When you make a choice, you feel the loss of what you did not choose. In order to joyfully accept the realities of adopting a child, it is necessary to grieve the losses of that choice. How do I Grieve? I often say that the easiest thing to grieve is death. I don’t mean the actual death of someone we love is easy, but what I do mean is that the grief is pretty straight-forward. The grief associated with infertility is often referred to as disenfranchised grief: when your grieving doesn't fit in with society's attitude about dealing with loss. When a loved-one dies, it’s common for your support system to gather around you, send flowers, and bring you a casserole. When you decide to stop pursuing fertility treatments, there is no funeral and there are no casseroles. The first step to grieving your infertility is to recognize that you are experiencing a legitimate loss. Humans will do almost anything to avoid grief. If we think there’s a way to opt out, we will try to opt out. It is our instinct to avoid unpleasant feelings, but grieving asks you to step into the pain. Validate your emotions and desires, remind yourself the grief won’t last forever, and find activities and rituals that help you hold space for your feelings. This includes things like journaling, writing a letter to a hoped-for child, finding something to nurture (pet, plant, etc), burying a box of sentimental items in the ground, creating art, sharing your story, joining a support group, and more. Acceptance The magnitude of the grief we experience is in direct proportion to how much we cherish something. If a pregnancy with a genetic child really matters to you, you will likely experience a lot of grief around that loss. Grief is a process and when we have grieved in a good-enough way, we can come to a place of acceptance. While you may feel some lingering sadness about your infertility at different times of your life, fully allowing yourself to feel your pain and mourn what might have been can lead you to a place of peace with, and even excitement about, the options before you. As I like to say, on the other side of grief is fertile ground for something new. Adopting a child is in no way inferior to having a genetic child through pregnancy and moving through your grief means you can fully appreciate what is miraculous and wonderful about adoption. In parting, consider what Dr. Alice Domar, author of Conquering Infertility, has to say about non-genetic parenting: “Very few people start off liking these parenting alternatives. But over time most couples come around to being okay, and eventually very happy, with these choices. They read, they discuss, they think, they let it simmer. They talk with other couples who have taken these paths. They read some more and think some more and agonize some more. Gradually their discomfort turns to acceptance. Their acceptance turns to excitement. And when they hold their baby in their arms—their adopted baby or their sperm-donor baby or their egg-donor baby or their gestational-carried baby—their excitement turns to sheer, unmitigated joy.” We unknowingly started a tradition. We are on round three of lobby art installation. It's simple. We create questions, put them on butcher paper and while our clients are waiting for us in the lobby they answer the questions in confidence. Here is what we know about our clients from our reciprocal lobby art: our clients are funny our clients are honest our clients are devoted parents our clients are kids who like video games our clients feel a depth and complexity of emotions (just like all humans). What superpower would you choose? - invisibility x5 - teleportation x6 - ability to fly x2 - have the power to make people not feel pain - x-ray vision - pause time x2 - laser eyes - to have the strongest destroy powers - read minds When you feel shame, where in your body do you feel it? - my face - my head and my heart - like a rock in my stomach - my guts x2 - my chest x2 - my heart x3 - my stomach, my head, my shoulders, my toes How do you show someone you love them? - hug or kiss them x5 - being myself and hugs - respecting their boundaries (yes!!) - be nice - listening - telling them every second I can - compliments - get them a present - when someone listens to me - be cool to your family - be kind What is the best thing about therapy? - you learn important life skills - going on walks (Whitney likes this too!) - connecting with people - learning how to break cycles - playing with legos - organizing the playhouse - talking about your problems - talking and getting over things - figuring out yourself - candy - the art we do together - skipping school (I love this child's honesty!) Mālō ‘e lelei! As you may have seen already, my name is ‘Aloisia Suliafu (Sia for short), and I am the newest member of the Whitney Barrell Counseling team! I’m so excited to be completing my MSW internship here and working alongside such excellent therapists and my clients. Hopefully, by the time you have finished reading this, you feel that you’ve gotten to know me a bit more than just reading my bio. I grew up on the West side of Salt Lake in West Valley and am incredibly family-oriented, as my parents come from large families. I love being able to spend as much time with my loved ones as I can get. My parents immigrated to the U.S. from the tiny island kingdom of Tonga and built their life together here in Utah. With that, I am incredibly proud of my Tongan heritage and will talk anyone’s ear off about it if they are willing to listen. Being a first-generation American and a first-generation college student has impacted my life more than I thought. I’ve hit many obstacles along the way, but I am grateful for them because I wouldn’t be in the position that I am in today. Often, I get asked, “Why Social Work?”. Since I was a young girl, I have always loved helping others, explicitly ensuring their needs are met. As I’ve grown, I thought of becoming a teacher and even a dentist. My journey in dentistry was so profound that I even graduated High School as a dental assistant through a program offered in my school district. I even secured a job at a local dentist's office. As an undeclared student, I attended my first-year orientation at the U for my undergraduate degree. As I was walking around and learning more about different majors, I saw a sign that read, “Social Work”, and it was as if a light bulb had lit up in my brain. I learned more about the major from my orientation leader and have fallen in love with social work ever since. In May 2022, I graduated with my Bachelor of Social Work degree with a minor in Ethnic Studies. I am completing my MSW degree through the University of Utah and am expected to graduate in 2023 (so soon, I know!!). With most of my background being work with youth such as elementary through high-school-aged students, I find those are clients with whom I work well. I’ve worked with foster youth in the past, helping them navigate their journey through school and the processes that come with higher education. I also enjoy educating and working with diverse populations, especially Pacific Islander youth. I hope to de-stigmatize mental health within family systems and become a resource for learning and applying to higher education. In doing so, I want to be able to advocate for my clients and those in my community to the fullest of my ability. Resources as such were not readily available to me growing up, so I hope to be able to help as many people as I can. Hopefully, this blog post can tell you a bit more about me. I’m so excited to be communicating with you all via this blog! Until next time :) A favorite colleague of mine, Camille Hawkins, LCSW and I wrote this piece for the Utah Infertility Resource Center based on a survey of local individuals who identify themselves as a part of the LDS church. Does this ring true for any of you?
“The reason infertility cut so deep was that I believe with every fiber of my being that I am made to be a mother. I don’t feel that the LDS church is amiss in teaching that. I feel that is the reality I must face as an infertile Mormon. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t spend the time, energy, and money in an effort to become a mother.” This woman isn’t alone in her feelings of experiencing infertility while navigating her faith. Mormons facing infertility have a challenging task, one that asks them to balance their faith and commandments as Mormons while being unable to conceive naturally. Mormons are commanded to “multiply and replenish the earth,” but what happens when attempts fail? How does one navigate infertility as a Mormon, which parts of one’s faith help, and which aspects complicate such grief? How does infertility impact a man or woman’s role or identity in the Mormon faith? Utah Infertility Resource Center, a nonprofit organization providing education and emotional support for those struggling to build their families, performed a needs assessment in 2015 of those struggling with infertility in Utah. 75% of respondents said infertility is the most upsetting event of their lives, compared with the national average of 48% (Domar). Why are Utah residents reporting significantly more distress than the national average? Are cultural factors at play? Community Survey In order to better serve our community, we wanted answers to those questions. We developed a simple, anonymous survey directed to individuals struggling with infertility who self-identified as Mormon, and asked for responses in online infertility groups. We asked one question only: “How has your religion, spirituality, or the LDS Culture impacted your infertility journey?” Over a few days we received 68 responses; we poured over what respondents had to say. It appeared from the responses that simply answering the question was therapeutic: many spent thoughtful time putting their experiences to paper. After reviewing all responses we identified several themes. Common Themes Isolation – Many respondents report feeling displaced or left out while attending church. They reported that so much emphasis on family and children makes it hard to feel at peace. One respondent writes: “It is very hard to figure out where you fit in with your ward family. The entire culture is all about family, and when you can’t have children you feel like you are on the outside looking in.” Respondents reported feeling second-class or left out because others were blessed with children while they were not. Avoiding Church – Everyone Around me is Pregnant! – Similarly to feeling isolated, many respondents felt their experience of being childless was amplified at church. Experiences such as seeing pregnant women in Relief Society, multiple baby blessings, and the annual Primary children’s singing program left many feeling uncomfortable, conflicted and out of place. “I could not escape infertility and my unmet desire to have a family while I was surrounded by the sounds of tittering children, happy large families, and songs about ‘love at home.’ It was only a matter of time before I had a complex relationship with the Sabbath Day.” Although children are what couples who experience infertility seek, being surrounded by them can be a painful reminder of what is missing in life. Couples struggling with family-building often find church to be unbearable and may take a “sabbatical.” Intrusive & Insensitive Comments – “You’re 30 with no kids?” or “No kids? Oh, you must be newlyweds.” Many respondents report insensitive comments from their faith community. “It is an environment that should be welcoming, accepting, nonjudgmental, sensitive, etc. but it was actually one of the hardest places for us to be.” Although comments are usually well-meant, they often leave individuals feeling invalidated and unseen. “One thing we did struggle with is the people…We learned to keep the people and the church separate. I wish people would understand that everyone’s journey is different.” Questioning One’s Faith – Respondents shared experiences of questioning their faith and having doubts about their God. “I have personally questioned my God, my value as a human, as a woman, and as a wife. I have to deal with continued stress that I am a failure as a ‘Daughter of God’ because I haven’t been ‘blessed with a family.’” Additionally, respondents wondered if God was punishing them because they were not faithful or worthy enough for children. Some respondents felt as if God doesn’t care about them or that God was teaching them a lesson. Conflict between Divine Role and Infertility – “Getting married and having babies is THE plan!” A majority of respondents wrote about their distress in not fulfilling the “divine role” of motherhood as set out by LDS church doctrine. Women felt purposeless and worthless if they couldn’t fulfill their role as a mother. This caused an identity crisis for many who were unable to achieve what they were taught and believed to be, “the pinnacle of womanhood.” Many wondered, do I fit in the church? If so, how and where? Women wrote about being offered platitudes such as “you will be with your children in the afterlife,” or that being an aunt or teacher are important roles as well. Although they were well-intentioned, comments left respondents feeling that their experience of infertility wasn’t being acknowledged. Must Mask Feelings – Respondents felt pressure by the LDS community to put on a happy face. When individuals chose to share their experience of infertility, they were often subtly encouraged to revel in “the good news of the gospel” instead of feeling sad. One respondent writes, “I felt constant pressure to get over my infertility.” Individuals felt like they could not express their feelings about infertility, and when they did they were misunderstood. “I feel a lot of people in the LDS church have a hard time dealing with negative feelings because we tend to think that we don’t have to be sad because we know it’s all part of God’s plan.” Individuals walk a tightrope of wanting to share their internal experience of infertility in the hope of receiving support and acknowledgment, but also fearing judgement, or being encouraged to “get over it.” LDS Church Stance on 3rd Party Reproduction – “Confusing handbook policies are an aspect of being an infertile Mormon that can be distressing. I have heard varying accounts of bishops advice toward the handbooks’ stance on third party reproduction. I feel this is an area that needs to be cleared up.” The LDS Church Handbook Policies on Moral Issues states, “The Church strongly discourages [infertility treatments] using semen from anyone but the husband, or an egg from anyone but the wife. However this is a personal matter that must ultimately be left to the husband and wife. Responsibility for the decision rests solely upon them.” When traditional treatments are not recommended or fail, 3rd party reproduction is often suggested. Egg donation, sperm donation, gestational surrogacy, or embryo donation (sometimes referred to as embryo adoption) are all 3rd party methods. LDS couples look to their leaders and church handbooks for policies on these family building methods. Couples are left wondering how to proceed when they receive mixed messages and confusing guidance. Women reported an internal conflict between building one’s family and following the Church’s recommendations. Comfort in God and Religion – Finally, respondents reported that despite or in addition to their experiences with faith as outlined above, many also felt heard by God and strengthened by the gospel of the LDS church. One respondent states, “I have felt my Savior’s love for me so strongly in my darkest moments and he has carried me throughout this trial. I don’t know that I could make it through infertility without the gospel.” Many felt comfort in the idea of having or seeing their children in the next life while others felt grateful for their relationship with the Savior and felt that God was aware of their struggles and sorrow. Respondents found comfort in scripture, prayer, the prophets, and temple attendance. Grief and loss are hallmark symptoms of infertility, and these feelings can undoubtedly be complicated by one’s faith and relationship to her or his religious community. As with any experience, individuals will assign meaning to it which may be derived from their faith traditions or personal journeys. If you are invited to discuss one’s experience of infertility, let him or her define the crossroads of spirituality, meaning, and the struggles to build a family. Many respondents commented that validation and empathy from others went further than silver linings. One respondent said it best when she remarked: “What I craved was someone to say, ‘Even if you know that God has a plan for you, it must be so devastating to struggle to build a family.’” Great news for our local infertility community!
Salt Lake City will be the home of the Utah Infertility Resource Center. I am heading up the clinical aspect of UIRC as the Clinical Director and I'm excited about what's in store. Join us for an opening night celebration and ribbon cutting event on Saturday, March 5th. UIRC has conducted a survey to better understand the needs of local Utahns experiencing infertility. We wanted to ensure that our services address the needs of our community. After reviewing the data I wrote up an article summarizing it. Read on to learn more about specific emotional aspects unique to Utah. Infertility in Utah: A Unique Experience Ashley and Jake both grew up in Utah, married young at age 23, graduated from college, began their careers and dreamed of a future with multiple children. A year after their wedding, they began trying to conceive. Month after heartbreaking month, the pregnancy tests were negative. Pregnancy announcements from friends and family started getting harder to celebrate. Reality began to set in, and with it came the realization that they would need to seek medical help in order to grow their family. Jake felt like less of a man due to infertility and didn’t share his experience with anyone. Ashley felt like less of a woman, because she had always imagined herself as a mother. She began to sink into a dark depression, feeling like she was losing sight of her lifelong dream of motherhood. Friends and family meant well, but a once exciting question now stung. When would they start a family? Four years, many invasive treatments, a failed adoption and thousands of dollars later, Ashley and Jake remain childless. Ashley and Jake’s story is not uncommon. They are among the 1 in 8 couples that struggle with infertility. Individuals in every corner of the world experience infertility, but A Utahn struggling with infertility is likely to experience some unique complicating factors. As with any experience, infertility is colored by a person’s culture, beliefs, community values, and the like. For example, a woman suffering from infertility in Manhattan may have different experiences, levels of support or feelings about infertility than those experiencing infertility here in Utah. Interestingly, close to 5% of all pregnancies in Utah result from some form of fertility treatment. The Centers for Disease Control recently released birth statistics from a number of states and Utah scored at the top of the list: a higher percentage of Utah residents receive fertility treatment than in the other states included in the study. How are Utahns experiencing infertility? Which emotional aspects are related to our local culture and which are not? One local nonprofit wanted to know more. The Utah Infertility Resource Center (UIRC), a newly-established non-profit dedicated to supporting those with infertility, has gathered data from local respondents by posting a survey among various infertility, parenting after infertility, and adoption online support groups. UIRC compiled the data from 152 respondents (97% of whom were women) which reviewed age, income, length of time trying to conceive, infertility treatments, symptoms of grief, depression, anxiety, and resources individuals relied on for support. Of the respondents 55% have children (the majority have one child) and 45% do not have children. Of those with children, 35% had children who were conceived with no medical intervention, 31% had children through IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization), 24% had adopted infants, 19% had children with the help of fertility medication, 10% had participated in foster care adoptions, and 7% had children resulting from IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Almost half of those surveyed reported experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth or loss of child. The median time trying to conceive was three-four years. Interestingly, 85% of respondents reported that Utah’s family-focused culture influenced their infertility journey. Although respondents did not report specifically how it had impacted their experience, respondents may feel increased pressure to have a family or have a large family. The average age nationally of when a woman delivers her first child is 26. Utah’s average is slightly younger, 25.1. Woman aging into their 30s may feel “left behind” by peers or siblings. Utah also has the highest fertility rate in the nation, that is, 2.6 children for every one mother, meaning that Utah families are the largest in the country. Living in a state with these statistics and being the outlier undoubtedly has an emotional impact on couples who are experiencing infertility. It is also likely that couples are seeking fertility treatment earlier (in their 20s and 30s) whereas couples in larger metropolitan areas where the cultural expectations differ, are likely seeking fertility treatment later (40s). What Infertility Feels Like UIRC was interested to know how respondents experienced the emotional side of infertility. A common theme was isolation. Many respondents reported that they didn’t share their infertility diagnosis or treatment with anyone for the first several months. When they were diagnosed, one-third of respondents didn’t know anyone who had struggled with infertility; and half of respondents waited two years or more to reach out to others who were also suffering from infertility. Respondents reported their most common emotions as sadness followed by frustration, anger, emptiness, hopelessness, depression, fear and despair. The majority of respondents reported extreme anxiety. We know from broader studies that women experiencing infertility have significant levels of distress, equivalent to those facing life-threatening diseases such as cancer. Consider that 75% of local respondents reported that infertility was the most upsetting event of their life! Barriers to Treatment It is clear that the experience of infertility has an emotional impact on couples. UIRC was interested to explore barriers to creating a family. UIRC found some interesting trends, many of which are likely true of individuals across the country. Respondents reported cost as the most significant barrier to accessing infertility treatment. Infertility treatment is, for the most part, not covered by insurance, and couples are often left to cover the costs on their own. Local respondents with an average annual income of $60,000, reported spending an average of $10,000 to $15,000 on fertility treatments. The cost of treatment is a serious problem and impediment for most. Respondents reported feelings of grief and loss as the second largest barrier to infertility treatment. The emotional toll often leaves couples stifled, either unable to make a decision or emotionally overwhelmed by the options. Reaching out for Support Many respondents were unsure where to seek support services for infertility, such as support groups or individual counseling. More than half were interested in attending a support group, but weren’t aware of one in their area. And, although many had considered individual therapy, cost continued to be a barrier. Many couples found support in online fertility-focused support groups. Finding support for any emotional obstacle is useful but perhaps--and the research seems to suggest--seeking support concerning infertility could also improve pregnancy outcomes. A study completed by Alice D. Domar, a psychologist at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston and director of mind-body services at Boston IVF, concluded that women who were taught stress-reduction techniques, such as mindfulness-based meditation or cognitive restructuring, had improved outcomes related to conception. Dr. Domar notes “there’s something about practicing relaxation techniques or being with other women who understand what you’re going through, probably a combination of everything, that makes a difference. It isn’t just about relaxing.” Dr. Domar further explains that “in some cases her symptoms and prognosis improve” when “you treat a woman’s mind as well as her body.” Regardless, “almost without exception she feels better and can cope more effectively with her condition.” UIRC is using the foregoing and other data to develop programs to support those who experience infertility. These programs include support groups, sliding fee scale therapy, informational events, community awareness and advocacy. UIRC is excited to bridge the gap of services for those struggling to build their families. Utah couples like Ashley and Jake will now have greater access to education and support for the mental, emotional, and social effects of infertility. UIRC’s Opening Night Celebration on March 5, 2016 will introduce Utahns to local resources and support services for those experiencing infertility. The next round of my Infertility Support Group is starting February 16, 2016. I love this group, really love it, it's magical. I watch women instantly find a sisterhood among others who are dealing with infertility, women share their fears, hopes and vulnerabilities. I watch clients experience being heard, and understood. During the first session, I watch as strangers shake their head in agreement with one another as stories are shared. It's like having a mirror to validate your own experience, you see that you aren't crazy, you aren't a mess. These small groups of women build solid relationships, they keep in touch, and go on to attend one another's baby showers. I am so lucky that I get to create the space for all this to happen. Join us! Finding Peace: Infertility Support Group
Join a small group of women in discussion about the impact of infertility. Open to women on any part of the infertility journey including: considering treatment, fertility treatment, third-party reproduction and those moving towards adoption. We will utilize art therapy modalities, journaling, mind/body awareness, all in a supportive setting. Led by Whitney Barrell, LCSW therapist, with both personal and clinical expertise in infertility counseling.
When: Tuesday Evenings: February 16th-March 22nd 7:00-8:30pm Where: Whitney Barrell’s Office 1308s. 1700e. #209 SLC, Utah 84108 Why: Because it feels good to be in a group of women who "get” what you are dealing with. Investment: $220 Want to know what to expect? Read a journal entry from a woman in a previous group. ***Feel free to call with questions about the group, or to see if it would be a good fit for you. Developing Confidence or self-esteem is often a topic in sessions with teens. In a developmental stage where they are forming their identity, values and becoming more and more aware of the complexity of human relationships it's a topic we often circle back to. But, as a therapist I find it's a slippery one, a concept that doesn't lend itself to explanation. This video, along with it's practical tips is well done. Take a look, for yourself, or for your teen. Lesson made in partnership with the Always #LikeAGirl campaign, animation by Kozmonot Animation Studio. I am very, very excited to announce a collaboration a colleague and I have been working feverishly on. Shannon Hickman is a fellow clinical therapist who specilizes in sex therapy. In her private practice she treats couples dealing with a myriad of issues related to sex, intimacy and their implications.
Shannon and I are both new mothers. We starting talking about how important it is to us that our girls feel comfortable in their bodies, think about and experience sex without shame and get their information from us (rather than rumors and school yard pals). So, we started digging into the research about how to ensure this happens. Lucky for you, we've distilled all of this down into a parenting series that we're offering to parents who feel as passionate about this issue as we do. We plan to discuss how our own thoughts about sexuality have the tendency to bias our discussion with our kids, we will talk about age- appropriate sexual development, break down the nitty gritty on just how to share information about sex and cover any other questions you can conjure up. It's going to be a great time, join us. If you're interested in a little taste, check out the KSL article we wrote to give you an idea of where were headed. Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Discussing Healthy sexuality with your child. By Shannon Hickman, LCSW and Whitney Barrell, LCSW First published by KSL July 29, 2015 Most parents tend to dread, or at least feel intimidated by, having “the talk” with their child. There are a myriad of resources discussing what topics to introduce at which age, and what is characterized as normal sexual development. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network offers a comprehensive outline of healthy sexual development. But, what we’d like to offer is a broader view of this “talk,” and some factors to consider. Parents typically think of the “talk” as discussing sexual intercourse in a framework of how children are conceived. Rather than just focusing on the mechanics of how babies are born, consider broadening the discussion based on the child’s age and ability to understand concepts. No one knows your child better than you do, and as parents, your deep love and connection to your child makes you the best person to talk with them about sex. Before talking with your child about sex, think through your own values about the role of sex in a relationship, healthy sexuality, what you want your child to understand about their body, and how you want them to feel about their body and their sexuality. Think back to your own experience when learning about sex and intimate relationships and how your parents or others discussed this topic with you. Are there important values or standards that you want to impress upon your child? Consider the biological, emotional, social, relational and spiritual aspects of sex and how your beliefs and values fit into these areas. Was the way your parents shared this information with you successful? Is there something you’d like to do differently? -Healthy Sexuality Often children grow up viewing sex as a physical gratification rather than equating it to love and fulfillment. It is important to remember this is not a one time conversation. It is an ongoing topic of discussion and the more open the child can be, the more support a parent can provide in helping to positively shape their child’s sexuality. With our children being bombarded daily in the media with sex and sexual images, it is more important than ever to help them to develop healthy attitudes about their bodies and sexuality. -Attitudes Identifying your own beliefs and attitudes about sex ahead of time will allow you to work through some of your own anxieties prior to having the discussion with your child. We as adults have often developed unhealthy attitudes about our bodies and sex that may affect the way we communicate with our child during discussions about these topics. -Practice Most parents feel a degree of anxiety in discussing sex with their children. Examine what makes you anxious: is it talking about a private topic; is it that you don’t feel prepared? Keep in mind that the tone or level of anxiety will convey more about how you feel about the topic than the actual content you share. If you want to exude acceptance and openness, make sure your face, and body positioning also conveys this. Plan out what you’d like to tell your child and choose words that feel comfortable for you. -Conversation starters Using everyday life to bring up topics of sex and sexuality are typically the best way to proceed. If you see something on TV with your child that feels like a “teachable moment,” take it. You might ask, “what do you think about all of that?” Focus on what questions they are asking. If your child asks “where did I come from?” He may just be asking which hospital he was born in? Clarify the specific question, then answer it as succinctly as possible. Follow up with “did I answer your question?” Follow their lead. Also consider the importance of strengthening your relationship through special times and activities that promote heartfelt sharing and connection. -Avoid metaphors. Young children are concrete thinkers. Metaphors tend to complicate things. If you are talking about specific body parts or functions of body parts, be as direct as you can, while also keeping in mind the child's developmental stage. It is helpful to use the appropriate names for body parts. This helps the child to begin to understand they do not have to be ashamed or embarrassed about any part of their body. This approach will begin to set the foundation for positive body image and healthy sexuality. -It’s not one talk, it’s many. Rather than sitting down with your child once they reach puberty to talk with them about sex, consider starting early and building on the depth and complexity of this topic. Identify an end goal. Parents may want their child to grow into an adult who is capable of an intimate relationship without feeling ashamed. If this is your goal, work backwards, expounding on experiences and discussions to support your goal. Consider the use of tools such as age appropriate books to help guide you in your discussions. Shannon Hickman, LCSW is a trained sex therapist. Whitney Barrell, LCSW specializes in child therapy. Together they are leading a parenting series on how to talk with your child about healthy sexuality. |
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