I am very, very excited to announce a collaboration a colleague and I have been working feverishly on. Shannon Hickman is a fellow clinical therapist who specilizes in sex therapy. In her private practice she treats couples dealing with a myriad of issues related to sex, intimacy and their implications.
Shannon and I are both new mothers. We starting talking about how important it is to us that our girls feel comfortable in their bodies, think about and experience sex without shame and get their information from us (rather than rumors and school yard pals). So, we started digging into the research about how to ensure this happens. Lucky for you, we've distilled all of this down into a parenting series that we're offering to parents who feel as passionate about this issue as we do. We plan to discuss how our own thoughts about sexuality have the tendency to bias our discussion with our kids, we will talk about age- appropriate sexual development, break down the nitty gritty on just how to share information about sex and cover any other questions you can conjure up. It's going to be a great time, join us. If you're interested in a little taste, check out the KSL article we wrote to give you an idea of where were headed. Beyond the Birds and the Bees: Discussing Healthy sexuality with your child. By Shannon Hickman, LCSW and Whitney Barrell, LCSW First published by KSL July 29, 2015 Most parents tend to dread, or at least feel intimidated by, having “the talk” with their child. There are a myriad of resources discussing what topics to introduce at which age, and what is characterized as normal sexual development. The National Child Traumatic Stress Network offers a comprehensive outline of healthy sexual development. But, what we’d like to offer is a broader view of this “talk,” and some factors to consider. Parents typically think of the “talk” as discussing sexual intercourse in a framework of how children are conceived. Rather than just focusing on the mechanics of how babies are born, consider broadening the discussion based on the child’s age and ability to understand concepts. No one knows your child better than you do, and as parents, your deep love and connection to your child makes you the best person to talk with them about sex. Before talking with your child about sex, think through your own values about the role of sex in a relationship, healthy sexuality, what you want your child to understand about their body, and how you want them to feel about their body and their sexuality. Think back to your own experience when learning about sex and intimate relationships and how your parents or others discussed this topic with you. Are there important values or standards that you want to impress upon your child? Consider the biological, emotional, social, relational and spiritual aspects of sex and how your beliefs and values fit into these areas. Was the way your parents shared this information with you successful? Is there something you’d like to do differently? -Healthy Sexuality Often children grow up viewing sex as a physical gratification rather than equating it to love and fulfillment. It is important to remember this is not a one time conversation. It is an ongoing topic of discussion and the more open the child can be, the more support a parent can provide in helping to positively shape their child’s sexuality. With our children being bombarded daily in the media with sex and sexual images, it is more important than ever to help them to develop healthy attitudes about their bodies and sexuality. -Attitudes Identifying your own beliefs and attitudes about sex ahead of time will allow you to work through some of your own anxieties prior to having the discussion with your child. We as adults have often developed unhealthy attitudes about our bodies and sex that may affect the way we communicate with our child during discussions about these topics. -Practice Most parents feel a degree of anxiety in discussing sex with their children. Examine what makes you anxious: is it talking about a private topic; is it that you don’t feel prepared? Keep in mind that the tone or level of anxiety will convey more about how you feel about the topic than the actual content you share. If you want to exude acceptance and openness, make sure your face, and body positioning also conveys this. Plan out what you’d like to tell your child and choose words that feel comfortable for you. -Conversation starters Using everyday life to bring up topics of sex and sexuality are typically the best way to proceed. If you see something on TV with your child that feels like a “teachable moment,” take it. You might ask, “what do you think about all of that?” Focus on what questions they are asking. If your child asks “where did I come from?” He may just be asking which hospital he was born in? Clarify the specific question, then answer it as succinctly as possible. Follow up with “did I answer your question?” Follow their lead. Also consider the importance of strengthening your relationship through special times and activities that promote heartfelt sharing and connection. -Avoid metaphors. Young children are concrete thinkers. Metaphors tend to complicate things. If you are talking about specific body parts or functions of body parts, be as direct as you can, while also keeping in mind the child's developmental stage. It is helpful to use the appropriate names for body parts. This helps the child to begin to understand they do not have to be ashamed or embarrassed about any part of their body. This approach will begin to set the foundation for positive body image and healthy sexuality. -It’s not one talk, it’s many. Rather than sitting down with your child once they reach puberty to talk with them about sex, consider starting early and building on the depth and complexity of this topic. Identify an end goal. Parents may want their child to grow into an adult who is capable of an intimate relationship without feeling ashamed. If this is your goal, work backwards, expounding on experiences and discussions to support your goal. Consider the use of tools such as age appropriate books to help guide you in your discussions. Shannon Hickman, LCSW is a trained sex therapist. Whitney Barrell, LCSW specializes in child therapy. Together they are leading a parenting series on how to talk with your child about healthy sexuality.
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"The world is so big, so complicated, so replete with marvels and surprises that it takes years for most people to begin to notice that it is, also, irretrievably broken. We call this period of research “childhood."
There follows a program of renewed inquiry, often involuntary, into the nature and effects of mortality, entropy, heartbreak, violence, failure, cowardice, duplicity, cruelty, and grief; the researcher learns their histories, and their bitter lessons, by heart. Along the way, he or she discovers that the world has been broken for as long as anyone can remember, and struggles to reconcile this fact with the ache of cosmic nostalgia that arises, from time to time, in the researcher’s heart: an intimation of vanished glory, of lost wholeness, a memory of the world unbroken. We call the moment at which this ache first arises “adolescence.” The feeling haunts people all their lives. Everyone, sooner or later, gets a thorough schooling in brokenness. The question becomes: What to do with the pieces? Some people hunker down atop the local pile of ruins and make do, Bedouin tending their goats in the shade of shattered giants. Others set about breaking what remains of the world into bits ever smaller and more jagged, kicking through the rubble like kids running through piles of leaves. And some people, passing among the scattered pieces of that great overturned jigsaw puzzle, start to pick up a piece here, a piece there, with a vague yet irresistible notion that perhaps something might be done about putting the thing back together again..." Words by Michael Chabon. Full article: http://www.nybooks.com/blogs/nyrblog/2013/jan/31/wes-anderson-worlds/ Beyond the Birds and the Bees
Parent Education Series Sex. Wondering how to discuss it with your children? Wondering how your own experiences are shaping the conversations with your child? Want to know what is normal, healthy sexual development and when to be concerned? Want to ensure that sex doesn't become shameful or embarrassing? Do you want your child to talk to you first? No one knows your child better than you do, and as parents, your deep love and connection to your child makes you the best person for the job. Join us! Shannon Hickman, LCSW a trained sex therapist, will be sharing her expertise on healthy sexuality. Whitney Barrell, LCSW who specializes in child therapy, will focus on child development and the use of parent-child relationship to foster healthy development. Topics include:
Who: Parents of children ages 3-17 When: Monday July 13th AND Monday July 20th 7:00pm-8:30 pm. Cost: $200 per couple/individual Where: South Valley Therapy 8537 S. Redwood Road, Suite A, West Jordan, UT 84088 Click HERE to sign up. Shannon Hickman, LCSW holds a Master's Degree of Social Work from Rutger's University and has a private practice in Taylorsville, Utah where she specializes in couples counseling and sex therapy. As a trained sex therapist she is able to help with a variety of concerns related to sexuality and intimacy. Whitney Barrell, LCSW holds a Masters of Social Work degree from the University of Utah and maintains a private practice in the Salt Lake City, Utah. She works mainly with young children and their families on mental health issues and is focused on and improving family relationships. Parenting is the most demanding job we’ve got.
Most parents aren’t making deliberate decisions about what skills they need to possess to be the best parent; rather they are ensuring teeth are brushed, homework is done, and talking with children about their ideas and goals — which turn out to be important parenting skills. Parenting absorbs us; it’s hard to get an objective look around. We don’t often rely on science to guide our parenting decisions. It’s more likely that we consider the type of parents our parents were, and either duplicate the parts we felt were effective, or turn the other direction entirely. Women talk with their girlfriends about discipline or choosing a good school. Men trade stories about their children and their relationship with them. We ask the pediatrician, and we notice the skills other parents utilize at the park and we integrate them into our routine. We Google. We read parenting books. And when we’ve done all of that, we realize how much contradiction exists. Dr. Robert Epstein has done the legwork for us. He’s compiled a list of 10 parenting competencies that are predictive of good outcomes. In this case, good outcomes for children are defined as a child's success, health and happiness, as well as the quality of the relationship between parent and child. Eleven parenting experts evaluated the 10 competencies identified, and data was collected from over 2,000 parents who identified both the outcomes of their children (health, happiness, success) and how closely they parented related to the 10 competencies. Using this data, Epstein ranked what competencies had the most impact down to which had the least:
Love and affection Love and affection tops the list. The one-on-one time we spend supporting our child has a direct impact on his or her degree of happiness, health and success. Parents are powerful. Stress management and relationship skills Interestingly, competencies ranked No. 2 (stress management) and No. 3 (relationship skills) are factors that don't involve our child directly. How a parent manages stress and the skill he or she possess in relating to other adults aren't typically considered parenting skills. But, as we see from where they rank, are factors of high importance. Mothers and fathers in healthy and satisfying marriages are more engaged in their roles as parents and have more positive attitudes toward their children. Frequent and intense conflict, on the other hand, is associated with unresponsive and insensitive parenting.–Urban Institute Stress management is a measure of how well a parent manages his or her stress. If a parent can rely on healthy ways to minimize stress, he or she is more accessible to the children and has more time for love and affection. This finding dovetails with what we know about maternal depression and its impact on children. When mothers are depressed when their children are young, they may be fighting to manage basic care-giving tasks (food, hygiene, etc) and don't have the energy for important bonding that takes place early on. Regardless of a child's age acting as a role model by caring for yourself, will pay off for the entire family. Relationship skills reference a parent's ability to communicate and compromise, whether he or she is parenting in the same household or co-parenting due to divorce or separation. Children show improved outcomes when parents are able to speak kindly to one another and model healthy relationship skills. Prolonged exposure to high conflict between parents has an impact on children's psychosocial development. Research by the Urban Institute goes further, reporting, "Mothers and fathers in healthy and satisfying marriages are more engaged in their roles as parents and have more positive attitudes toward their children. Frequent and intense conflict, on the other hand, is associated with unresponsive and insensitive parenting." Life skills Life skills are another domain where parents have a degree of control. Epstein defines life skills as one's "ability to provide for your child, have a steady income and a plan for the future." As we can see, many of these competencies are intertwined. Those who are financially stable have one less thing to worry about and one less stress to manage. Behavior management Behavior management is likely the competency most fuzzy for parents. There are myriad opinions on the best way to diffuse conflict with our child, or ensure that he or she complies with our requests. Recently, advances in neurosciencehave shed some light on this topic. We know that when a child is hyper- or hypo-aroused, he or she is unable to participate in problem-solving or skill-building. The good news is, despite all the contradiction in how to best discipline our child the approach we use isn't as important as it may feel. Besides, this competency falls in the lower third of the list. Religion Religion makes a surprising appearance on the parenting skills list. One theory is parents who support or encourage spiritual development may be a part of a broader religious community that provides support for the family spiritually and informally, and that leads to improved outcomes. Figuring it all out Parenting often feels sandwiched between guilt and shame. Being a parent seems to be a very public display of one's skills and abilities when this isn't the case. All parents, regardless of outside circumstances, desire for their children to be happy and healthy. How we progress toward that goal is determined by our history, values, experiences and opportunity. Among this list of 10, there is undoubtedly a place where we "have it down." If one is interested in testing where he or she falls among the 10 competencies, Epstein's website has a skills test that will assesses a person's strengths and provide feedback. First published by KSL on May 24, 2015. https://www.ksl.com/?sid=34582765&nid=1009&title=parenting-skills-the-top-10-suggestions-for-raising-happy-children&s_cid=queue-5 The Finding Peace Infertility group has just wrapped up it's first rotation. It was incredible. A group of five women who didn't know one another at the beginning of the 6 weeks formed honest, genuine, vulnerable relationships with one another. The group members shared their intimate thoughts, feelings of intense loss and were met with support and open arms.
Throughout the group participants journaled, used art therapy to create a visual representation of how infertility feels, their goals and accomplishments, and most importantly, found a space where they didn't feel alone. (Current group info here.) One of the journaling assignments was related to how infertility affects the relationship with ones spouse. I requested that the group write a letter to their spouse about how infertility has impacted them. And, one participant blew us away, a wicked smart women full of love and compassion shared her letter, and there wasn't a dry eye in the room. So, in honor of Infertility Awareness Week, and with her permission, I'd love to share her letter with you. Maybe you can relate. A letter to my husband, Infertility has beat me up. It has drawn blood and left me battered and bruised. When I was younger I had a plan that I was going to be married and starting a family by 23. It was always something that I wanted but never happened, and you know I'd never settle. When I married you at 30 I thought it was finally my turn. You know I wanted kids right away, but I had to wait- we needed to finish law school, then we needed to move, take the bar, get jobs, get better jobs. By the time we said "fuck it" and gave up trying to be ready, I thought again, this is finally it. Month after month, year after year, disappointment set in. After the miscarriage in December, it happened. I lost hope. I am defeated, broken, sad. I know you must feel something too, but when you try to comfort me by agreeing that infertility sucks or that you know how I feel- I am surprised. I feel as if I am telling a friend my woes and I expect sympathy, but not understanding. I often times forget you are on this journey with me. I don't know if that is because you don't often share your feelings on the subject because I am so consumed with mine, or that I don't listen. I want to though, I want to listen to you and be excited about the future with you. I want us to be the "Spokane us." We were broke, unemployed, childless, and without a clue to what we would do next, but we were happy, and in love, and excited about possibilities. I think more than anything I want, I need, action. I am so sick of saying everything and doing nothing. Let's do our frozen transfer, let's adopt, let's move, let's change careers or take the bar again. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to live the very precious lives we've been given. Life is so short and I don't want to spend it waiting. I want to LIVE IT with you. I want to TRY with you. I love you. -- Infertility is complex; not just the medical side of treating infertility, but the emotional side of treating it. Essentially, infertility, whether it's the inability to conceive, frequent miscarriages or otherwise, is loss.
Many couples are surprised by the intensity of their feelings related to infertility. Perhaps this is because grief related to infertility is disenfranchised grief, or grief that is not acknowledged by society. For example, the loss of a pet, loss of a home and loss of a family member by suicide are all forms of disenfranchised grief. This type of grief is often unaccompanied by cultural standards for how to provide support. We know what to do when a loved one passes away, we know what to do when someone is sick, but the loss related to infertility is more obtuse and complex. Most of us don’t know how to support someone experiencing it. This can make friends and family feel helpless or anxious; and rather than attempting to provide support we may avoid the subject. In my work with couples experiencing infertility, a few themes have risen to the top in helping them cope: Acknowledge the loss Just as society as a whole doesn’t acknowledge infertility grief, both women and men struggle individually to acknowledge that their feelings of sadness and loss are legitimate. Infertility takes away one's ability to plan how or when their family is built — a loss of control over one's body. Sometimes it's the loss of a genetic link to our children, or the loss of the experience of pregnancy. Loss manifests as irritability, sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety and many other emotions. When couples acknowledge that they are experiencing a crisis in their relationship, or a disconnect in how they envisioned their life together, they can begin to understand their feelings and cope with them in healthy ways. Acknowledge loss, then start again Unfortunately, infertility is a long cycle of hope and loss — hope in a late period, hope in a medical procedure, hope in an adoption match. Just as there is hope in the events, there is also loss. These events typically follow in lock-step, and often couples don’t have the time or emotional energy to grieve one before another hits. Although the experience of loss is highly individual, research by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross outlines stages of grief. Many experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It’s more common for us to experience these emotions in a non-linear way. One day we may feel some acceptance, the next, back to anger and bargaining. Rather than chastising ourselves for feeling angry, accept that at this time, it’s useful to feel the emotion rather than fight it off. Create space By creating space, I mean creating emotional space. Give yourself space, time and acceptance to feel your feelings. Grief isn’t a race; there’s no finish line. There isn’t a right way or wrong way to work through it. Rather than placing rules and expectations on how you should feel, or for how long, allow yourself the space to grieve. This piece can’t be underestimated. Just as you allow for your own grieving, do the same for your partner. Acknowledge that he might not grieve the same way you do. He might not cry or talk about it like you want to. She might not cry, rather preferring to look forward and be optimistic. Some find it useful to create a ritual or tangible event to mark the loss. Others use their creative side to sculpt, paint or create something that is a visual manifestation of their feelings. Seek support Identify the friends and family who understand the intensity of your emotions. If you sense they don’t know how to support you, give them some suggestions. Reach out to others experiencing infertility throughsupport groups or online forums. Feeling understood and supported is paramount to coping. Infertility can be isolating, being in contact with those who “just get it” cuts down on the need for you to explain your feelings or provide background. Find a group of women or men who understand the loss associated with infertility who can accompany you on the road towards healing. Welcome! Don't want to take the time and cognitive skill to read Debunking Adoption Myths? (Me neither!) Now you've got the option to put me in your ears! I was invited to speak with Kelly Ellison on her podcast, Your adoption Coach, to discuss the myths of adoption. Join a small group of women in discussion about the impact of infertility. Open to women on any part of the fertility journey including, fertility treatment or third-party reproduction and those moving towards adoption. We will utilize art therapy modalities, journaling, processing feelings related to loss of control and grief, all in a supportive setting. Led by Whitney Barrell, LCSW therapist, with both personal and clinical expertise in infertility counseling.
When: Wednesdays March 18th-April 22nd 2015 (6 week group) 8:00-9:00 pm Where: Whitney Barrell’s Office 1308s. 1700e. #209 SLC, Utah 84108 Why: Because it feels good to be in a group of women who “get” what you are dealing with. Investment: $120 ***Feel free to call with questions about the group, or to see if it would be a good fit for you. Let me save you some time and "googling" and share this comprehensive list complied by Jay of Fertility Authority and the two week wait blog. Below is a list of grants, clinical trials, scholarships, foundations, even contests of some sort all dedicated to the financial barrier that exists in infertility. As always, do your due diligence in researching the ins and outs of each.
Clinical Trials: www.clinicaltrials.gov. You can search for free fertility treatment in your area that you may qualify for. On my second IVF, I did a clinical trial and found out about it through the clinic I was seeing. If you don’t want to go the website, you can ask your current doctor if they are participating in any you might qualify for. The Tinina Q. Cade Foundation’s Family Building Grant: http://www.cadefoundation.org. They are accepting applicants NOW for the 2016 $10,000 grant so you can fill out a form here: http://www.cadefoundation.org/?page_id=10 Baby Quest: http://babyquestfoundation.org/ The AGC Hope Scholarship:http://www.agcscholarships.org/about-agc/ Fertile Dreams – The Embracing Hope Grant: http://www.fertile-dreams.org B.U.M.P.S.: http://www.yourbump.org/ The Heart to Heart Video Contest:https://hearttoheartcontest.com/ The International Council on Infertility Information Dissemination (INCID): http://www.inciid.org Parenthood for Me: http://www.parenthoodforme.org/ Sparkles of Life: http://www.sparklesoflife.org/ The Angels of Hope Foundation:http://www.angelsofhopeinc.org/creatingMiraclesGrant.htm The Sharing Hope Financial Assistance Program:http://www.livestrong.org/we-can-help/fertility-services/fertility-resource-guide/ Verna’s Purse: http://www.reprotech.com/financial-assistance.html?faqitem=faq31 Lost Stark Foundation: http://loststorkfoundation.org/ |
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