Boundaries by M'Recia Seegmiller, CSW

What are Boundaries and Why are They So Important?

I once asked a therapist friend of mine if there was a concept he discussed with clients every single day. Without hesitation, he said “boundaries!” and I agreed. Not a day goes by that I don’t discuss the importance of boundaries.

It wasn’t long ago that the concept of boundaries was relatively unknown. These days, most of us have heard a friend say that she had to set a boundary with her mother-in-law or read something on social media that says kids want and need boundaries. Most of my clients come into therapy knowing vaguely what a boundary is. But, when I ask them to elaborate, I am met with a bashful grin. 

One helpful way to understand the psychological concept of boundaries is to compare them to boundaries that exist in the physical world. When I ask clients to name some physical boundaries, I usually get answers like “a fence” or “ a wall.”  These are great examples of boundaries. They also illustrate what most people think boundaries are for - to keep people out. But boundaries do so much more than that. 

Boundaries Define
“Boundaries define us.They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading to a sense of ownership.” -Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend

What city do you live in? How do you know? Is it because you live within the boundaries of that city? How do you know where your land ends and your neighbor’s land begins? Is there some kind of property line? Boundaries define where one thing ends and the other begins. In fact, the primary purpose of a boundary is to define. Boundaries help us know what belongs to whom. All other functions of boundaries flow from this primary role. 

If we go back to our physical world comparison, you can think of it this way: when I walk through a residential neighborhood, I know the streets and sidewalks define what areas are public and that lawns and gardens are understood to be private property. Gardens, sidewalks, and lawns are types of boundaries that define what belongs to whom.

Boundaries define who is responsible for what. I like to imagine a garden with a fence around it. The fence clearly defines where my garden begins and ends. I know everything inside the fence belongs to me and everything outside the fence does not belong to me. I am responsible for the care of my own garden and I have authority and ownership over it. It is my job to water my plants, trim my hedges, and mow my lawn. And it’s your job to do the same for your garden. We can, of course, ask for help when we need it, but my garden remains my responsibility and your garden remains yours.

Psychological Boundaries
“A psychological boundary is a conceptual line that separates an individual's thoughts, feelings, and behaviors from those of others.” -Julie Mora

Skin is to our physical boundary what a psychological boundary is to our sense of self. Skin defines our physical body - everything inside of my skin is me, everything outside of my skin is not me. It contains our muscles, skeleton, nerves, connective tissue - everything that makes up our physical body - inside of it. It acts as a barrier to protect vulnerable parts of our body from harm and disease. 

Psychological boundaries do the same thing….just psychologically. My psychological boundary helps me define myself (my thoughts, feelings, values, sensations, etc are me), it contains my thoughts, feelings, and behavior to keep them from spilling out where they don’t belong, and it acts as a barrier to keep out what is not mine. 

Boundary Setting
“Functional boundaries allow you to determine the level of physical, emotional, intellectual, spiritual, and sexual closeness you want to have with various people depending on who they are to you and how close to them you want to be. When your boundary system is operating well, it helps you to have good and satisfying relationships with other people.” -Michelle Mays

Boundary setting defines what your wants and needs are, what is in your power, what you are responsible for, and what you will do to meet your needs. Boundary setting lets you determine how close and engaged you will be with another and what you will and will not tolerate.

“Boundary setting isn’t about getting other people to be different, it’s about getting yourself to be different. If someone is crossing your boundary, it isn’t the other person’s problem, it’s yours.” -Robert Glover (adapted)

Now, this is where people often get confused and boundary work starts to go sideways: boundaries are not for controlling others. I believe that we are socially conditioned to try to meet our needs by giving other people rules to follow. Instead of putting a fence around my own garden, I try to put a fence around another person. If you’re asking another person to change their behavior, that’s not a boundary, it’s a request. True boundary setting can be more challenging than you think. 

True Boundaries are Empowering
“Boundaries are what we tell people we will do, and they require the other person to do nothing. I’m not making my boundary’s success dependent upon someone else — that’s so disempowering. I’m communicating clearly what I will do if someone does something.” -Dr. Becky Kennedy

When you try to get someone else to change, you give the other person all the power over your wants and needs and hope they respect you enough to do what you ask. True boundaries put you in the power position. This kind of boundary gives you the ability to define and protect yourself and doesn't wait for other people to do it for you.” As human beings, we are very talented at seeing how our problems can be solved by someone else changing their behavior. Our heads are full of “if you would just….” It can take some serious mental gymnastics to see our own power to meet our needs. If your instinct is to try to change someone else, it can be helpful to zoom out and see what needs you are trying to meet. Then, you can think about how you can change your own behavior to meet those needs. 

Boundaries are not Punitive or Manipulative
Boundaries are about getting my needs met, not about trying to get you to change. If you are using your boundary - what you will do- as punishment or leverage to change someone else’s behavior, chances are it’s not really a boundary, it’s manipulation. A true boundary is centered around your needs.

The phrasing “if you ______ then I will _____” can come across as manipulative, even if it’s not intended to. I recently came across the phrase “or I will need to” as an alternative boundary setting tool, and I have to say I’m a big fan. The phrase “or I will need to” can help your boundary setting sound more focused on your needs and less like an ultimatum.

Putting it into Practice
Let’s say you have noticed that you are often tired at work. You do some soul searching and recognize “If I am going to be more rested for work, I need to start winding down by 9 pm.” At 8:30, the phone rings - it’s your mom. You may be tempted to simply hope that your mom will be brief or you may even think about passively saying “mom I’m hoping to get to bed early,” hoping she takes the hint. However, you then remember that your time belongs to you and that it’s your job to put a protective boundary around it. You recognize that you can’t control your mom’s behavior, but you can tell your mom what you will do to meet your needs. Your boundary setting might sound like this. “I need to be off the phone by 9 pm. We need to wrap up this conversation by then or I will need to get off before we’re finished.”

Conclusion
“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously” -Prentice Temphill
Boundaries give us a clearly defined self to share with another person. Boundaries ensure our needs are met and that we feel safe in relationship to others. Boundaries define who is responsible for what, which in turn can prevent issues such as enmeshment and resentment from draining the vitality of a relationship. In this way, a boundary work is fundamental to good mental health and building healthy relationships